


Broken Mirrors

by FairyQueen (etoilecourageuse)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Dark, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Loss of Parent(s), Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Not Canon Compliant, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 18:14:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4189962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoilecourageuse/pseuds/FairyQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Druella has never feared death, and still it takes nearly everything from her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Mirrors

Druella Black had never feared death. She had never been afraid of death, dying, would at times still long to leave this world, and to be free at last. Free... It was so strange to think of freedom, so strange to believe that once... No. No, she had never been free, never, and what a fool she was to assume otherwise. She had never been free, would not until... 

Druella had never feared death, had longed for it so despairingly at times, in moments of purest darkness, when the shadows had circled her, overwhelmed her, nearly claimed her at last. She had never been afraid of death... And yet, yet it had treated her so cruelly, had taken her parents, her unborn child and husband from her, had broken her and never granted her the privilege to leave this world, too. She had never feared death...

Hadn't she always known that she would not live to fifty? Even as a girl, hadn't she always known, _sensed_ that Death would come to claim her early, hadn't she at times longed for it, too, when the burden appeared to become too heavy, and despised herself for the thought? Was this to be her punishment now, her punishment for her foolish fear of age, her foolish desire to leave? Was this to be her punishment, to outlive those she loved the most, and to fall apart? 

What had happened to her, who had she become? She scarcely recognised herself, the girl who had once believed herself to be happy, who had savoured life at its fullest, loved to laugh and to... It all had been taken away from her so suddenly, all happiness, all joy... Gone. Gone with her parents, gone with her husband, gone and never to return. 

Eighteen... She had only been eighteen... 

But hadn't it all started so much earlier? Hadn't her torment begun years before when her Father had succumbed to alcohol, when everything had begun to fall apart? Cygnus... Her Cygnus, what she would have done without him... He had been her rock, always there for her, always there to catch her, to protect her...

He had always known, of course he had, had always sensed, always noticed... Even when her once so gentle father had carried out his countless drunken threats and laid hand upon her for the first time, even when Druella had been so desperate to hide the stains that remained on her body and to smile... Even then he had known, had seen what others were oblivious to and he'd barely been capable of controlling his rage. Cygnus had frightened her, for the first and only time within their lives, Cygnus who had always been so tender to her, had frightened her so beyond belief as he realised what had been done to her. 

Years had passed until Druella realised that he, too, had been frightened then, that he had been so afraid for her... 

“Ella,” he had murmured into her ear back then, over and over again, pulling her body so close to his, as though he were unwilling to ever release her, unwilling to ever let go. If only he could hold her forever... “I will not allow him to harm you any further... It will be all right, _cara mia_... Everything will be all right...”

Oh, how much she had wanted to believe him, and how safe she had felt within his arms... Had she ever spent a day without him, without her Cygnus? Druella did not know, had no memory of being apart from him for longer than merely a few hours until the day of his... They had grown up together, as best friends, confidants, lovers, had grown up together, had always been soulmates... And he had vowed to save her, to always protect her... 

How could he, though, how could he save her from her father if he came to her in the darkness, long past midnight, how could he save her from being forced to listen to her mother's screams, her begs for relief? How could he if they forced her to spend her nights at home, to sleep in her own bed so far away from her betrothed until the wedding? How could he save her... To see the guilt in this eyes, the guilt and the unspeakable sadness... It took her breath away. 

And yet, yet Cygnus would do everything for her, would buy herbs for her to prevent any unwanted repercussions and would constantly attempt to distract her from her ordeal in any way he could, would give her such love, such comfort, take her to the most beautiful places in nature, invite her for dinner in his favourite restaurants, stay with her until they were forced to part and never take his eyes off her. How many times had she broken down within his arms, how many times had she allowed her tears to flow, for him and for him alone? Hadn't she once sworn that she would never shed tears, that she would harden her heart, endure everything with her head held high, that she would not allow her father to destroy her? Hadn't she once made a silent vow? It seemed so difficult, though, so difficult not to lose composure, so difficult... 

How could she stand to look into the mirror any longer? How could she stand to find her reflection staring back at her, to see the fear, the emptiness within her once so vivid green eyes, to see the cuts, bruises and all these invisible stains that she would never be able to cleanse herself from? How could she stand to look into the mirror if she did not recognise herself, if she saw no one but a stranger? How could she...?

“It will be all right...” Druella murmured to herself, over and over again during the times the despair threatened to overwhelm her, murmured as though to make herself believe that it was the truth. “It will be all right... Everything will be all right...”

It would be all right... It would be over, would be over so soon... So soon Druella Rosier was to become the wife of Cygnus Black, so soon they were to wed, to step into a future so bright, so beautiful... So soon... Her father would no longer be capable of hurting her, and she would save her Mother, too... Her sweet mother, her sweet _Maman_ who was so gentle, so patient, who deserved nothing but love... It would be all right. It would be over. So soon it would be over... 

Druella would have laughed at the memory, would have laughed a cold, cruel laugh had she not forgotten how to laugh too long ago. What a fool she had been. What a damned fool she had been with her so youthful, so naïve belief that it would be over, that she were capable of escaping... What a fool she had been to assume that everything would be all right if only she were to get away from her father... Hadn't she once also believed that he would turn his back to the bottle, that he would manage to break free from alcohol's cruel grip? Hadn't she once believed that he would change to once more become the man she had so adored and so admired? 

What a fool she had been! She wanted nothing more than to scream, to scream at the top of her lungs, wanted nothing more than to forget... But how could she forget what her father had done to her? How could she forget the pain, how could she forget his words, his actions that had been so cruel, so... How could she ever forget? How? The way he had spoken to her, beaten her, the way he had violated her, in such an unspeakable way... Had she once been his little girl, so precious to him, so suddenly everything had shifted, so suddenly she seemed to have become worthless to him, a puppet whose only right to live was for his pleasure, his... She dared not finish her thought. 

How much he had hurt her, how much he had hurt _Maman_ , and Cygnus... Cygnus who had been able to do nothing but watch... 

What a fool she had been. Shouldn't she have known, shouldn't she have sensed? Shouldn't she have....? What a fool she had been! 

The night everything fell apart had not been like the others. The wedding had been mere days away, and once more Cygnus had taken her out for a walk, once more they had been lying in the grass together, hand in hand, looking up at the stars, all in silence. Once more he had hesitated to return her to her home, and yet once more... Once more there had been no other choice. How happy she had been that night, never wanting the moment to end, how excited had she been for her future... But the night had not been like the others. All of a sudden the worry had taken hold of her, had caused her to shiver, to gasp for breath, and to laugh at her folly only a moment later. Worry... Why should she be worried, why should she be concerned? And yet... Yet... The night had not been like the others. 

Never before had Druella been so frightened as she stepped into her home's entrance hall, never before had it been so silent, so cold... Of course she had been afraid, afraid to encounter her father in the hallway, of course it had been quiet before, yet never like this... Cygnus, too, seemed to sense her fear, seemed to sense danger, squeezed her hand so tightly as though to reassure her that he would always be by her side, that he would never leave her behind until forced. 

The silence seemed to crush her... Druella called out for her parents, once more shook her head at her foolish fright... But there was no response, no response at all. Only silence. Silence... And so she stepped into the drawing room, hopeful for a moment that she would find her parents there in unexpected peace, peace like before, perhaps asleep, perhaps... But no. No... 

What she saw took her breath away. Druella screamed, screamed at the top of her lungs as she found them, found her parents lying there on the floor, lying there in their own blood... Blood, so much blood... Red... Lying there, motionless... _Maman_ , eyes wide with terror yet empty, so empty, Father, the dagger still... She screamed, screamed and did not notice that Cygnus was still there, that it was him who took hold of her, screamed until her voice began to break, screamed until her lungs refused to take in any more air... She screamed, gasped so despairingly for breath and struggled, struggled against his grip... A dream... It had to be a dream, she had to be dreaming... It wasn't the truth, they couldn't possibly... No... No! They couldn't possibly be gone, they couldn't! A dream... It was nothing but a dream... It had to be a dream... A nightmare, a terrifying nightmare... How many times had Father threatened to end it all, to... But he hadn't, he couldn't have! A dream... 

Blood... There was so much blood... Red... Druella felt a hand upon her face, covering her eyes firmly and yet gently, felt another hand carefully forcing her to turn away... But she couldn't, could not turn away! Mother... Father... It was a dream... Nothing but a... She could not turn away... Why wouldn't he let go? Cygnus... If it were truly Cygnus, why wouldn't he let go of her, why wouldn't he allow her to look at her parents, why? Why wouldn't he let go...? 

Unconsciousness came for her quickly, overwhelmed her so suddenly she had no chance to refuse, no chance to realise what happened. Unconsciousness came for her quickly, and perhaps it saved her, saved her form losing her mind upon the terrible scene, saved her from losing herself. 

The following days had been filled with nothing but emptiness. Druella had no memory of what Cygnus had done for her, had no memory of what had happened after she had found her parents, after... The grief had come to drown her, had pulled her deep into an ocean of pure darkness, with no light to be found, had tried to hold her captive forever, until the day she, too, left this world, until... 

No. 

Cygnus had saved her, had once more saved her, had taken her hand and guided her back into the light, back into life. How patient he had been, how incredibly patient, how he had looked at her with such sadness in his beautiful blue eyes... He had saved her, had organised the funeral and held her, held her so tight throughout the entire ceremony as otherwise she would have fallen, too weak to stand and keep her balance. Only slowly she began to realise what had happened, that they were gone, truly gone, never to return... Only slowly she began to realise that Father's threat had not been empty as she had prayed, as she had so desired for it to be... Only slowly Druella began to realise that perhaps now she would be free at last, that her father would no longer be able to harm her, that perhaps now the nights would be peaceful at last, that he would never lay hand upon her again, never hurt her... Only slowly she began to realise that by leaving, by leaving this world and taking _Maman_ with him, he had hurt her more than he would ever have been capable of during his lifetime. 

Cygnus had saved her, had done everything for her, everything to comfort her, had even postponed the wedding and allowed her to forget until she recovered, until she believed she was ready. Truly ready. Her sweet Cygnus... He had postponed the wedding for longer than a year... 

The wedding. It had been a small ceremony, brief and only for the two of them, in a tiny chapel so far away from their home. Druella had walked to the altar alone and in mourning, with no jewellery to adorn her simple gown of black lace or her skin other than a silver necklace jewelled with tiny emeralds that Cygnus had placed upon her pillow the night before. It had been nothing like the large feast the Blacks had expected, nothing at all... And yet her husband had looked upon her as though she were the most beautiful woman in the world, as though he could not be happier. 

Druella had hoped so despairingly that it would be all right, truly, had hoped so despairingly to find peace at night, now, now that Cygnus would never again leave her side, even at night, now that Father would no longer... But the nights were the worst. The nights would not grant her peace, the nights would bring nothing but dreams, nothing but memories, would cause her to scream, to jolt from her pillow struggling for breath... The nights were the worst. 

_Worthless._ Worthless... How many times had her father whispered such words to her, such cruel words that had hurt her more than his blows, how many times had he spoken to her with such disdain in his voice as he had taken his pleasure...? Worthless... Druella had refused to believe that it was the truth, had refused to listen, would tell herself over and over again that it was not his fault, that none of this... The alcohol... It was the alcohol forcing him to speak in such a way, forcing him to do what he..… It was the alcohol... 

But perhaps he had been right. Perhaps he had always been right, perhaps... Perhaps it was the truth after all. 

Her father was gone and yet the shadows had remained, circled her still and never let go, waiting to claim her, to push her into the abyss of despair... Perhaps they would linger forever, perhaps she was broken after all... Perhaps she had never been strong and merely fooled herself into surviving... 

The way he looked at her, her sweet husband, the way he spoke to her, touched her with such tenderness, such care, as though he were afraid to startle her, to remind her of what her father had done, as though she were too fragile for his words, his touch... He seemed so worried for her, so concerned still... It nearly tore her apart to see him like this, to know that because of her he had lost his youthful smile, that because of her he had aged so much, at barely twenty years of age. It was her fault... 

Time would heal all wounds, they said, but was it the truth? Would time truly be capable of healing her wounds, invisible and yet so deep that the agony deprived Druella not only of her sleep but nearly her sanity? Was it the truth, would time cast away the shadows, and grant them happiness? 

Hadn't they both wanted nothing more than to live a normal life, to be happy, and to forget what had happened? Hadn't they both been so desperate to leave the past behind, and to live, to just... Perhaps they were not granted the chance to be happy, perhaps she had been broken after all, perhaps her father... No. 

It was her duty. Druella knew that it was her duty to smile at her husband, to keep him from worrying, knew that it was her duty... But how could she? How could she smile at him if he knew her so much better than she knew herself, how could she take the worry, the concern, from him if she knew that he would never believe her, even if she promised him that it would be all right? How could she, if she seemed incapable of lying to him? They had always understood each other without words, had merely looked at one another and known everything... Hadn't they always shared such a strong, special bond, sacred and never to be torn apart? So how... How could she smile? 

But Cygnus knew how to make her smile. He knew how to comfort her, always in silence as he had never been a man of words, knew how to dispel the shadows, even if only for a short while. Cygnus... Her Cygnus, her heart, her soul, her everything... He had saved her, saved her once more with every day passing as only through his love she appeared strong enough to fight the darkness. Only through his love could she feel alive, truly. 

How much she missed him... Every day, every minute without him was a torment, how much she missed him... Cygnus... Still, even months later, Druella would find herself pulled from sleep at night after nightmares, reaching out for him and so quietly calling his name, still it felt as though her heart were to burn in the moment she realised. Gone... Her Cygnus was gone... Gone, perished from a fever that had befallen them both, that had nearly claimed her own life, too. If only it had... If only it had spared him and taken her... It felt like a cruel twist of fate to her that for nearly a year now she had survived without him, without her Cygnus, as she had never longed for Death more than in these moments. 

Once before, long ago, Druella had been stricken by a similar fever, once before she had struggled for her life, yet not only her own. She had lost her first child at the age of twenty as the herbs, the herbs she had been forced to take for all those years because of what Father had done, had taken their toll on her, as though to punish her for what could not possibly have been her fault ... 

Even now the memory was too painful for her, would still bring tears to her eyes, would still take her breath away... It was not until two years after she lost the baby that once more she started to allow herself to hope, that once more her husband's eyes began to shine as she told him the news, so quietly as though she were afraid to speak out the words... 

But then the fever had claimed her, had nearly taken another unborn daughter from her once more... Druella had struggled so despairingly against delirium, had prayed to each God in heaven, bargained with Death to save her child and to allow her to go instead... It had been a miracle that they both had survived, mother and daughter, that Andromeda had grown up to become a healthy whirlwind of a child and later such a beautiful, fierce young woman with a temper Druella had never allowed herself to have, yet that reminded her so much of herself. It was a miracle... _Her_ miracle... Her little princess who looked so much like her, whom she adored so beyond belief, and yet who seemed to misunderstand her, incapable of reading her true thoughts, of looking right through her and seeing... 

How many times had they fought, fought over nothing at all, how many times had her beautiful Andy turned her back to her mother to hide her tears, how many times had she sought comfort within her younger sister's arms...? Cissy, sweet Cissy... She was so much like her father, so much like Cygnus. One needed only to look at her and realise... She sensed, sensed so much and yet never dared to speak, would bite her tongue and smile, smile as though she had not seen. She sensed... 

Of course Druella had never told her daughters about her past, of course she had kept her silence, would keep her silence under any circumstances... How could she possibly tell them? How could she possibly tell them what had happened, what had been done to her, how could she possibly tell them about the shadows if all she desired was to protect her sweet girls from any harm, if it was her only purpose to keep them safe, to know them happy? Of course she had not told them... Only her husband knew, Cygnus and Cygnus alone... She would not burden her daughters with such tragedies, such darkness... Never.

And yet perhaps it had been a mistake, perhaps to tell them would have been the only way to... Had she lost them, too? Had she lost her daughters, her precious daughters, had they both drifted away from her? It had been such a struggle, over all those years, it had been such a struggle... Still, Andromeda's words were echoing within her ears, the desperate accusation of lovelessness when there had been nothing but pure, unconditional love... Still, Narcissa's kiss as she left her childhood home to live with her beloved husband burnt upon her cheek, still... Had she lost them, too? 

Lovelessness... How dare she...? How dare she! Hadn't she been given such love, such endless affection...? Couldn't she remember the countless times her mother had sat by her bedside, holding her hand until she had fallen asleep, the countless times she had pulled her into her arms, gently cradling her as she cried upon her shoulder until her tears dried out? Couldn't she remember? No. Druella had been so aloof toward her daughters as they grew older, as they began to understand, had so despairingly fought against her inner demons and yet constantly failed, distancing herself from her girls in the moment she was afraid to break, always in the hope, the silent hope, that they would understand, understand their mother without words, just like Cygnus... But of course they couldn't, of course they couldn't understand... Because how...? How would it be possible if they knew nothing about her, if they knew nothing of her shadows, nothing of... How? Lovelessness... 

How much she loved them, how much... Druella had lived only for her girls, only for her husband, would live only for them, only for Andy, only for Cissy, for Cygnus as long as he... Her girls... She would do anything for them, anything at all, adored them so beyond belief... Lovelessness... What a fool she had been. What a damned fool. How many years she had wasted in the assumption that it was for their own good, in the despairing attempt to protect them... She had not protected them at all, particularly not Andromeda, had pushed her into the darkness, too, by allowing her to believe that she did not belong, that she was not a part of the family. Failed... She had failed... 

They both had been there when Cygnus had been on his deathbed, they both had cared for their parents with such patience and affection, had held her so tight in the moment she realised that her husband was gone, even slept by her side in the following days... They both had been there, and yet... Yet it felt like a duty, like nothing but a duty, like... 

No. What an injustice she did to them by even assuming, how much she wronged them... Of course it had not been a duty. Of course they loved them, loved their parents as much they... Of course not. And yet it felt as though they were so far away, as though they had drifted apart, yet it felt as though she were alone, all alone... 

Alone... 

They all loved each other. Of course they all loved each other, whether or not they were capable of expressing their emotions, they loved each other so beyond belief, even Andy who had moved so far away into a small flat in London, who would scarcely write, scarcely visit, as though she were afraid, who could barely hold her mother's gaze in the rare moments they were alone... Druella could see the guilt within her eyes, as though by leaving her home she thought she had betrayed her family, could see it so clearly and yet she was incapable of taking away her doubts, incapable of reaching out to her, of comforting her. 

They all loved each other... Of course they loved each other... Hadn't they all sat together for countless hours after Cygnus had left this world, hadn't they sat together day by day, looking at one another in silence? Hadn't they shared their endless grief, bonded over mourning the loss of their beloved husband and father? Cygnus... Her rock, her heart... Gone... Gone. 

Druella had never feared death. She had never feared death, had never been afraid to die, never longed for it so despairingly as in this moment... She had never feared death, and yet it had taken nearly everything from her... Hadn't she just wanted to be happy? Hadn't all she desired been to be happy, to... 

Of course she had once been happy, so happy by her husband's side, so happy to know her daughters well, filled with such joy as she heard the girls' childish laughter filling the halls... Of course she had once been happy, and yet the shadows had never ceased to circle her, had never let go of her, never... How many days, how many precious days and nights had she wasted by nearly succumbing to the darkness, unable to speak, unable even to look at Cygnus? How many days had she wasted by allowing the shadows to claim her instead of fighting, battling against the shadows until they would let go at last? Gone... Wasted... 

Worthless... Weak... Perhaps it was true after all, perhaps she was worthless, perhaps she was weak, so weak... Incapable of handling her own life, incapable of showing her daughters the affection they deserved and merely pushing them further and further away until she lost them for good, incapable of... Worthless... So worthless... So weak... Had she merely fooled herself? Over all those years, had she merely fooled herself into believing that she had a right to live, that she was strong enough to go on? Worthless... Weak... Had her father been right? Had the alcohol merely loosened his tongue, had he always been right? Worthless... 

Druella had never been afraid of death, had never been afraid of dying... And wouldn't death come as a relief to her, finally, wouldn't it finally... She had always known that she would not live to fifty, had always known that she would succumb to the shadows... She had never been afraid of death despite all the cruelty, all the destruction. She had never been afraid. 

Weak... Worthless... 

It felt as though she had gone into a trance when one night she sank to her knees in the bathroom, covering her face with her palms yet incapable of crying, as only for Cygnus she would shed her tears, sobbing quiet, dry sobs... Worthless... She had always been worthless, had always been weak... Only her family had kept her alive, only her family had given her the reason to go on... Only her family. But where were they now, where had they gone? Her daughters were long grown up, long lived their own lives, Andy savouring the freedom Druella had never been granted to experience, Cissy so happy by her husband's side... Would they miss her, if she left this world now, would they weep for her? Would they...? 

She had lived only for her family... And yet her family had long fallen apart, she had long lost ground... Druella had never been afraid of death. She had lived only for her family... And yet she could no longer go on, could no longer stay as Cygnus was calling for her, as she longed so despairingly to be reunited with him... She could no longer go on, could no longer watch as her entire life came crumbling down on her, could no longer go on... 

Slowly, so slowly, she rose from the ground, turning her head to look into the mirror, merely to find her reflection staring back at her, all in silence. How many would still call her beautiful, claim that she had not changed at all with her fair skin and the red lips, the long black curls falling down her back like a waterfall of pure silk...? So why then, why would Druella not recognise herself, why would she look into a stranger's eyes? How weary she looked... 

All of a sudden, anger seemed to overwhelm her. All of a sudden, she screamed, screamed out her despair, her sorrow, as she had not screamed since the day she had found her parents lifeless in the drawing room, screamed for the entire world to hear... Anger seemed to overwhelm her, anger at herself, at Cygnus who had left her too soon, at her father who had broken her, broken her after all, at... Anger seemed to overwhelm her, caused her to shatter the mirror with merely a blow of her fist and to sink to the floor once more, reaching for a large piece so close to her... How long she would look at it, look at the broken mirror within her hands, how long she would hold it, her entire body trembling, until finally, finally after what felt like hours later, she lead the shard to her wrist.


End file.
